The Prospector Fails To Mine Burger Gold.

If Knott's Berry Farm had a bar this would be it.  Complete with faux cave walls, tacky western murals and a gold rush theme, Haskell's Prospector offers the western wannabe a watering hole on 7th and Junipero.  

On Saturday afternoon, Hot dog Jones and I saddled up to the bar ordered two beers and then moseyed over to a table in the corner.  While waiting for the Giant Jew (GJ) to make his appearance, I surveyed the bar scene and was amused at the eclectic mix of lounge lizards.  At a table next to us, I observed the not so rare urban cougar.  Clad in a slinky black dress and white high heals, she was definitely on the "Prospector Prowl".  At the bar, there appeared to be two female "softball players" arguing about Melissa Ethridge's  last album.  A couple stools down the bar, there was a tall blonde sporting camouflage pants, think Army surplus chic', working the old timers at the bar. 

The atmosphere at The Prospector is self described as "unique", and that could not be closer to the truth.  In fact, the bar and lounge at The Prospector is closed off from the restaurant by a glass wall and door.  Like something out of a government laboratory, the lounge area has been hermetically sealed from the restaurant.  Given the local neighborhood and crusty clientele,  it seems Mr. Haskell has taken precautions to quarantine the "unique" bar flies from his family eatery.

After a few beers, this cow poke rang the dinner bell and ordered the "Buckaroo" burger for $6.95.  Served open face; the tomato, lettuce, white onion and pickle came on the side.  The burger came with  a choice of soup/salad and fries.   The soup was "split pea delight", so I did the safe thing and opted for the salad.  

The burger flew out of the kitchen covered in bright yellow processed cheese, .50 cents extra. The bun was slightly stale and the meat was cooked to the tenderness of rawhide.  The burger was served dry, lacking any sauce or condiments. While the tomato was crisp and fresh, the poor shriveled leaf of lettuce was limp and anemic  much like an old man without his Viagra.  

Now, I know that since 1965, The Prospector has been known for their inexpensive prime rib, steak and lobster dinners and not their burgers.  But Mr. Haskell, this Burger Miner was digging for mORE! 

   

Thirsty for a Great BURGER?

Lets quickly get to it, Thirsty Isle serves a great burger!  The best in Long Beach?  Maybe,  at least the best so far...

Thirsty Isle, located on Carson Blvd in Lakewood Village is the quintessential burger joint. Offering 18 ice cold beers on tap, a large eating area full of aged wooden benches, pool tables, a juke box and a delicious inexpensive burger...Thirsty Isle could convert even the most hardcore PETA devotees. 

Along for the cruise to the Thirsty Isle was HM and a few special guests including;  Gita "the elephant", Slug and Chucky J.  We bellied up to the bar Saturday night and I ordered one of their famous 34 oz. schooners.  Served at approximately 28 degrees  its a  guarantee you wont leave the Isle thirsty.  

The crowd at the Isle included; crusty locals, frat guys and weekend golfers.  The bartender was an adorable red head who apparently has Thirsty Isle in the blood.  After another goliath brew and a few bags of shelled peanuts, I was ready for my burger baptism.  I asked the bartender for a menu and she pointed over to a hole in the wall with a menu posted above.  

I lurked over to the burger glory hole and ordered a 1/2 lb. cheeseburger and fries.  I had heard that the Isle's burgers were $2.00. However, I think I paid $5.oo.  Primed by the large beers and intoxicated by the smell of an open grill, I happily walked back to my bar stool and waited patiently for my burger. After 3 or 4 gulps from my beer, my burger was slid in front of me by chef Jose himself.  Apparently, the kitchen is run separately from the bar by Jose and his wife. All orders are "cash only" and that goes for the kitchen and the bar.

At first glance, I was impressed with the size and appearance of the burger.  The large 1/2 lb. patty was obviously hand formed just like the way my old man made them for summer backyard bbq's. The burger was cooked to medium and dressed with tomato, lettuce, pickle, white onion and thousand island.  It was tasty despite being cooked more than medium rare.  The patty pie was juicy and had a fresh taste.  The iceberg lettuce was extremely crunchy adding great texture to the burger.  The pickles and thousand island offered a sweet and sour kick that complimented the meat. Lastly, the fresh hand cut fries were piled high and seasoned to perfection.

 

If you are looking for a gourmet kobe burger with smoked gouda, watercress and truffles served with a side of pommes frites by a metrosexual waiter, keep driving! However,  if you are looking for a dive bar with super cold beer, blue collar decor and a super delicious no frills american burger, come in and quench your thirst at the Isle.

Next week, I will be looking to strike burger gold at the Prospector.

 

    

I'm not Gay, but my BURGER might be...

I'm not gay, but my burger might be the only hamburger to be made at an openly gay bar & grill. Hamburger Mary's on Broadway and Alamitos offers burgers by day and transvestite cabaret by night.

Hamburger Mary's claims to be the ONLY national chain actively marketing to the Gay community.  So I thought to myself, what's better then hamburgers and homosexuals? The hunt was on!

I picked up my date Heatmeiser (a real life Clay Aiken look-alike) and planned on meating Dan the Man on location.  I proudly walked in and was instantly bombarded with red lights, red vinyl and pumping Cher music.  Heatmeiser and I grabbed a table and a beer and waited for Dan.  I suddenly heard my name called and turned around to see my friends Mr. and Mrs. Creepy "T" from F - Town.  Looks like I'm not the only one who enjoys burgers and Backstreet Boys.

I cruised the menu and was delighted by the diversity.  There was Kobe burgers, Buffalo burgers, Ostrich burgers, Wild Boar burgers and just straight cheeseburgers. I ordered the "Mary" burger, Heatmeiser and Dan fisted the Kobe and Creepy T gobbled the Buffalo.

I ordered my Mary medium rare with a thick slice of cheddar ($1.25 extra).  The burger was prepared with shredded lettuce, tomato, a 1/2 lb. quality patty and Mary's special sauce (I just hope Mary is not really a Larry). My meat saucer was served with a heaping pile of hand cut fries.   At first glance, this burger appeared to be the perfect civil union of meat, cheese and brioche bun.  

I ripped into my burger and was a little disappointed that it was overcooked and tasteless. While the burger's size was impressive, sometime size doesn't really matter.  Put simply, the burger could have used some salt and pepper. 

I hoped for more burger but what I got was more Mary.  If the burger was tastier it would have made the Christina Aguilera and Beyonce' music marathon more bearable. While I might recommend this place for all you bears, wolfs, otters, cubs, daddies, tops, bottoms, divas queens, size queens, drag kings, twinks and yestergays, I would tell the serious burger hunter to look else where.  I was GLAAD I swung by Hamburger Mary's, but would their burger bring me out of the closet for round two? Probably not.  

So the hunt continues, up next Thirsty Isle.

Friscos fails to "Roll Out" a good BURGER.

Before I begin, I want to dedicate this post to my two friends, Sandy and Bone who became vegetarians after petting a cow at the county fair.

On Saturday afternoon, I went to Friscos on Los Coyotes Diagonal. I gathered up some of the usual suspects for this burger orgy. Present were Heatmeiser, Hotdog Jones, Gypsy Jeff, JB, Booger, T -Bag, and Merril the Man. I was somewhat excited to experience a burger joint fashioned after a 50's carhop with young attractive waitresses on roller skates. Further, Friscos claims to have some of the coldest beers in town. On its face, it seemed that Friscos offered the perfect trifecta of burger, beer and bun.

As I swung open the black doors, I felt as if I just entered Studio 54 minus the hairy chests, gold chains and cocaine. Instead of an authentic carhop, I was confronted with glossy black tile, pink neon and stripper poles. I did notice 2 girls dressed in pink skirts on roller skates lazily meandering through the place. However, both looked about as happy and enthused as an adolescent boy at a NAMBLA convention.

But all was not lost, I looked back and observed the temperature gauge on the beer tap. The ever fluctuating thermometer read 29.8 degrees. Great, I placed my beer order and grabbed the menu. Before I could get to the burger section, the beautiful bartender brought my icy beer to the table - on foot. I then combed the glossy pages and ordered the Classic Cheeseburger served with wedge cut fries for $8.95.

The burgers were cooked on a grill to the temperature of medium and served on a delicious egg bun. Burgers? Yes, thats right, Friscos serves their burgers two patty pucks to a bun and for good reason! Each burger was quite a pitiful specimen. It left me thinking of the immortal words of the grouchy geriatric in the old Wendy's commercials, "wheres the beef!" I laced into the burger and was immediately struck by the taste of raw red onions. The burgers lacked any real meaty taste. However, they were covered in a velvety cheddar cheese blanket and the shredded lettuce and tomato appeared fresh and were quite crunchy.

Just as the party ended for Studio 54, so to will it for Friscos. Absent the roller skating teens, sexy asian bartender and frosty cold brews, Friscos has little to offer the big game hamburger hunters.